can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My feet surprised me
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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