She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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