I wanna passion pit in your ass
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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