I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
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