I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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