I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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