so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
