I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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