Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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