I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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