My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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