I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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