i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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