I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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