Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
