I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Everclear isn't food dammit
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
