I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
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