the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
