last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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