I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
