3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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