The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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