pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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