Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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