Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
