I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
