If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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