I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
