I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Terrible idea I love it
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
