I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
she told me i tasted like america
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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