I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
