what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
