In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
smell my finger.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
