What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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