ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
