I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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