Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
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