White coat. Heels.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
