I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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