quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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