What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
