The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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