i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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