Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
