I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
