that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Randomize
