hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
