how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
