My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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