I think I won the penis lottery.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize
