so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
