Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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