my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize