yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
