i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
